Frustration

Frustration.  That's a good word to describe the last two weeks.  Diabetes is frustrating.  This has consumed my entire life.  It's all I think about anymore.  It's hard to count carbs.  It's hard to determine how much Gavin is going to eat, and then force him to eat everything that he said that he would eat.  It's hard to measure and weigh all of Gavin's food.  It's hard to get a meal for the entire family on the table at the same time.  It's hard to constantly worry about Gavin while he is at school or outside playing with his friends.  It's hard to tell him that he cannot eat without an injection first. 

It's hard to sleep.  It's like having a newborn all over again.  He has been sick this week and it's hard for me to relax.  I lay awake wondering what his levels are doing.  I have had to check his blood every hour and a half and test his urine every three hours.  Hard to fathom how his levels can go from 286 one minute and plummet to 70 the next. 

It's frustrating to look around at the end of the day and realize that I have accomplished nothing.  Some days I realize that I haven't even showered.  Sometimes I forget to eat.  I am frustrated every time I entertain Kate by putting a movie on for her.  It's hard to look at my other kids and realize that I haven't been able to give them the attention that they need and deserve. 

Most of all, it's hard to see your child have to deal with hard things and not be able to make it better.

I love the quote  by President Monson, "There will be times when you will be frightened and discouraged. You may feel that you are defeated. The odds of obtaining victory may appear overwhelming. At times you may feel like David trying to fight Goliath. But remember—David did win!  Sometimes courage is the little voice at the end of the day that says, “I’ll try again tomorrow.”

I know the Lord does not test us above what we are able to bear.  I know that this test is more for me than for Gavin.  He is strong.  He is brave.  He is happy and adjusting really well.  I really am doing better than this post indicates, but today I am just..... frustrated.

Type I Diabetes

Wow.  We have had a really rough couple of days.  Where to even start.  Gavin was diagnosed with Type I Diabetes on April 16, 2012.  I guess I'll back up and explain things leading up to this.....

A couple of weeks ago, I noticed that the kids bathroom floor and toilet was really sticky.  It seriously felt like a movie theater floor.  My feet would literally stick to the floor and little Kate's bum would stick to the toilet seat.  I could not figure out what the kids had spilt, and thought it was strange, but continued to clean it up, day after day.  One day it occured to me that it was probably Gavin's urine.  He has never really had the best aim ;/  I'm not an expert on urine and figured that maybe all urine was sticky like this.  I have never touched urine before.

During this time he also started wetting the bed.  He has NEVER been a bed wetter and I thought this was pretty strange as well, however, no red flags at this point.  He woke up Sunday morning, wet again, and I had had enough of changing sheets.  every. single. day.  He also had a rash around his waistband.  I plopped him in the tub and sat down to google "sticky urine".  The results were a bit concerning.  Diabetes. 

As I researched diabetes, I quickly discovered a few more symptoms that Gavin has been showing.

1. Frequent urination.  This kid has been going constantly.  In fact Sunday night I took him to the bathroom 4, yes 4, times in the half hour before he went to bed.  I heard him get up 2 times during the night and he still woke up wet.
2. Extreme thirst.  He has been drinking a TON of milk and water.  I attributed this to the warm weather.  He has been playing outside a lot and I figured he was just extra thirsty.
3. Extreme hunger.  We would sit down to have a meal together and by the time I had finished the dishes, he was asking for more.  I thought he was going through a growth spurt.  Happens all the time.
4. Discomfort in limbs.  He had been complaining that his arms hurt.  Once again, I attributed this to growing pains.
5. Irritability.  Oh man, you ain't a kidding.  He has been EXTREMELY irritable, which is so unlike Gavin.  He hass been such a happy, cooperative kid.  Until 2 weeks ago.  In fact, I remember thinking, "What has happened to my boy?  He turned six and he completely changed his disposition."

At this point, I was a bit concerned, but honestly didn't think that he had diabetes.  I figured it was a urinary infection of some sort.  I called the doctor first thing Monday morning and got him in for an appointment at 10:45.  He hadn't had anything to eat at this point.  Normal glucose range is 80-120.  His fasting levels were 312.  I was shocked and tried my best to keep my emotions under control, for Gavin's sake.  Dr. Nye instructed us to head down to Primary Children's as soon as we could get there.  We needed to plan on staying in the hospital for three days.

OK.... let me back up a little bit more.  This day just keeps getting worse.  When we went to go to church Sunday morning, the van wouldn't start.  We walked to church and Travis charged the battery all night long.  When I went to take the kids to school Monday morning, the van still wouldn't start.  My neighbor gave me a jump start and off we went to school.  Travis was working in Rock Springs and had planned on picking up a battery the minute he got home.  Anyway, Gavin's doctor's office is just 1/2 mile away, so I loaded up the kids in the bike trailer and made it to his office. 

When the doctor told me we needed to go to the hospital, I kind of lost it.  How was I going to get there with no car and a husband that is 6 hours (?)  away?  Dr. Nye offered me the keys to his car.  He offered to go pick up a battery and install it for me.  Well, the independent gal that I try to be, declined his help.  I left his office pretty emotional.  Sweet little Gavin, who had no idea what was going on, hugged me and said, "Everything is going to be OK mom."  At that point, I realized that I needed to be strong for him.  I could NOT cry in front of my son.

Walmart is just another few blocks from the doctor's office and has a McDonalds in it.  I was determined to let Gavin has his last happy meal, so we headed to the Walmart.  We picked up our food when it occured to me that I still needed to pick up a battery.  Back in Walmart we went.  I had no idea that a battery weighs so much.  It felt like at least 60 pounds.  No worries, I'm a tough gal.  Loaded the battery, Gavin and Kate back into the trailer and off we went.  It was SO HARD to ride home.  I broke down for a minute, feeling pretty sorry for myself.  Luckily, Gavin was behind me in the trailer, so he was unable to see the tears start flowing.

Getting home was difficult.  My head was spinning, trying to figure out what to do with my other kids and what to pack for a three day stay in the hospital.  The doorbell rang, and there stood my friend Gary asking to install my battery for me.  A couple of minutes later, the doorbell rang again.  This time my mother in law, to cover the other kids.  I started getting phone call after phone call.  My friends and family were pretty irritated with me for not just calling.  I was extremely humbled to realize how many people care for me and my family.

At 2:30, things were organized enough to head down to the hospital.  We arrived and checked in with no major setbacks.  They tested his glucose levels again, and this time they were 658.  YIKES!

The hospital was kind of a whirlwind.  They got Gavin settled and stabilized, Travis finally made it home from Rock Springs, and we were bombarded with doctors and nurses.  We spent the following two days in classes from 9:30 until 5:00.  It was so overwhelming and there is so still much to learn.  Just when I thought I was grasping things, I would feel so confused.  How in the world am I going to do this on my own?

Gavin LOVED the hospital bed!  He thought it was super cool that it could move up and down.

It is so hard to watch your child go through hard things.  It was so hard to watch him get poked and stuck, but when I had to start poking him on Tuesday, it was AWFUL!  He kicked and fought me and Travis had to hold him down.  Hardest thing I have ever had to do.  I think he was starting to realize that this whole routine would continue at home.  He made himself sick.  He had so many visitors that came to visit him and bring him some fun prizes, but he was too sick to even care.  You know when this kid doesn't care about Legos, Play Doh or Star Wars, he truly doesn't feel good.

This is Gavin's diabetic buddy.  It almost made me cry that he drew a frowny, sad face on him.  His name is Hulk.



Dr. Barnes



He was feeling better Tuesday night and had steak, mashed potatoes and gravy and broccoli for dinner.  His class had made him a big poster and cards and it really cheered him up looking at them.

He had napped for a few hours so he wasn't tired at bedtime.  In fact, he was the only patient left awake.  He had the doctors, nurses and techs in his room playing with all his new toys.  I was so grateful that my Gavin was back!

This is what he played with the doctors and nurses.  I wish I would have gotten them in the pictures - they were so good to him!

Wednesday was a terrible day.  We had been told that we would be discharged at 5:00, right after Gavin ate his dinner.  We still had quite a few classes left to attend.  A volunteer came down at told Gavin that he could play bingo at 10:00.  His nurse told him that he couldn't go down.  Up until this point, the nurses had been great.  I didn't care much for this one from the first encounter I had with her.  I don't consider myself to be a difficult person to get along with, but this nurse really rubbed me wrong.  She was checking Gavin and heard a baby crying.  She told me that her patient was crying and she needed to leave.  That didn't sit well with me.  When she told him he couldn't play bingo, that was it!  My boy was going to play bingo no matter what she said!  And he did ;)  Which is another story in itself....

KSL was at the hospital filming the bingo game to use for the PCMC telethon.  I had to sign a waiver giving permission for them to use whatever they wanted for the telethon.  They have bingo available on the TV for the kids that can't leave their room, so Travis and I were watching him from our room.  Everyone knows that Gavin is a very friendly and outgoing boy, so it didn't surprise us in the least that they focused quite a bit on him.  They asked him if he knew any jokes and he said that he did.  I was a little nervous to hear what he had to say, knowing that there was no way I could stop him.  Here's his joke
Gavin:  Knock Knock
Nurse:  Who's there?
Gavin:  I eap
Nurse:  I eap who? (say it slowly......)
Gavin: (had no idea what he had said) I eap who would spy on a goat on the mountain?

Thank you public schooling for teaching my kid such amazing things ;/  Travis and I were HORRIFIED!  Who's kid is that anyway?  Hopefully KSL chooses to edit that joke.  He came back to the room with an armful of prizes! 


He had another visitor that day.  His buddy, Skyler, came to visit.  He had a great time playing with his friend and I was so relieved to see my boy act normal again.

OK. Back to the day.  We had a social worker that was supposed to come at 3:45 to meet with us.  She didn't show up until 5:15.  That's right.  An HOUR AND A HALF LATE!!!!!  By this point, I was beyond irritated knowing that we should have left for home 15 minutes ago. 

Then we had problems with Gavin's blood.  When we checked his sugar, our meter registerd at 400+, but the hospital's meter was showing normal levels.  My wonderful nurse wasn't concerned in the least.  Kind of important to head home with a meter that works.  She had poked his finger three or four times and wanted to poke him again.  I lost it.  Freaked out, actually.  I told her that Gavin had had enough and she was NOT poking my son again.  She was welcome to poke my finger until we figured things out, but under no circumstances was she touching him.  Go Steff!!!

We ended up be released at 7:30.  I couldn't wait to get out of that hospital and back home.  I feel so nervous to be home.  I hope that I know what I am doing.  I hope I can keep myself together for Gavin's sake.  I am dreading sending him to school.  Worried about birthday parties, playdates and soccer games.  We have lots of changes and challenges that we have to face as a family, but

THINGS COULD BE WORSE!