Frustration

Frustration.  That's a good word to describe the last two weeks.  Diabetes is frustrating.  This has consumed my entire life.  It's all I think about anymore.  It's hard to count carbs.  It's hard to determine how much Gavin is going to eat, and then force him to eat everything that he said that he would eat.  It's hard to measure and weigh all of Gavin's food.  It's hard to get a meal for the entire family on the table at the same time.  It's hard to constantly worry about Gavin while he is at school or outside playing with his friends.  It's hard to tell him that he cannot eat without an injection first. 

It's hard to sleep.  It's like having a newborn all over again.  He has been sick this week and it's hard for me to relax.  I lay awake wondering what his levels are doing.  I have had to check his blood every hour and a half and test his urine every three hours.  Hard to fathom how his levels can go from 286 one minute and plummet to 70 the next. 

It's frustrating to look around at the end of the day and realize that I have accomplished nothing.  Some days I realize that I haven't even showered.  Sometimes I forget to eat.  I am frustrated every time I entertain Kate by putting a movie on for her.  It's hard to look at my other kids and realize that I haven't been able to give them the attention that they need and deserve. 

Most of all, it's hard to see your child have to deal with hard things and not be able to make it better.

I love the quote  by President Monson, "There will be times when you will be frightened and discouraged. You may feel that you are defeated. The odds of obtaining victory may appear overwhelming. At times you may feel like David trying to fight Goliath. But remember—David did win!  Sometimes courage is the little voice at the end of the day that says, “I’ll try again tomorrow.”

I know the Lord does not test us above what we are able to bear.  I know that this test is more for me than for Gavin.  He is strong.  He is brave.  He is happy and adjusting really well.  I really am doing better than this post indicates, but today I am just..... frustrated.